Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it