Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.