Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
(Jupiter –
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.