Doggies just call it style.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Not all heroes wear capes…
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I like long walks away from everyone
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.