since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.