You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
i prefer mine room temperature.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.