When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
everyone has that one prude friend
seems fine
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
i’m laughing very hard in real life
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.