Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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The “research” scene in every horror movie
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
won’t smith
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.