My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
When you have to marry your mother-in-law