On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .