Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….