My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me trying to walk in a dream
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk