I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”