[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…