[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
CUTE CAT‼︎
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.