casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.