Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Don’t we all.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined