Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
You Might Also Like
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
choose your gary
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Bill is short for Billiam