If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
This week’s mood.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
(Jupiter –
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
🤣✨#caturday
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
🤣
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.