Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
You Might Also Like
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”