[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Ladies, why y’all do this?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
🚲+physics = winner
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done