I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”