My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
They’re not wrong
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.