Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
#math
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.