My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
estão todos miauvindo?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit