To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m putting together a team
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
What personal space?
My dog
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.