waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
You Might Also Like
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
How to wake up a Beagle
🤯🤯🤯
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Who.
Did.
This?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.