“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.