If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
You can’t outrun your problems…
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.