You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet