Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
You Might Also Like
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?