Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
That took me a moment.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”