My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
You Might Also Like
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
January has been Januweary
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Why are bridges so flammable.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.