“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Death certificates are our last participation award.
You deplete me
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
#catsoftwitter
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.