So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You Might Also Like
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
greetings!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.