Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.