My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My wife has the worst taste in men.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.