*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip