After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Mornin
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?