[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite