The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Fidel Castro was alive?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
President The Rock Obama
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.