therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.