*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.