You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?