Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Good news
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist