When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?