A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.