THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.