Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Ugh but profoundly
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye