Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Breaking news:
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Bit chilly again tonight.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’